A satirist’s unofficial official guide for surviving Thanksgiving dinner

The leaves are getting darker and the scent of cinnamon apple is filling the brisk breeze, and it can only mean one thing: Thanksgiving season is upon us. Make surviving the holidays easy with this handy survival guide made just for you.

Make sure to voice your political opinions right off the bat, even before prayer.

Before your Uncle Joe can even get the mashed potatoes to his mouth, make sure you look right in to his eyes and tell him we are all going to die due to climate change. Tell your grandparents you are not going to go to college and plan on moving to Iceland to pursue your passion of becoming a waterslide architect. This will start Thanksgiving dinner off on a great note.

Make sure to tell your parents, only after they cook all the food, that you are now a vegan.

Also gluten free, water free, vegetable free, sugar free, and fruit free.

Your outfit is everything.

Make sure, especially if you plan to be around your grandparents, to wear ripped jeans. They already think they are stylish and love how they sell them at stores with the holes already in them. Wear a crop top too. Grandparents love it.

Offer a toast.

When everyone has waited all day to eat the delicious food, they love when anyone prolongs the wait even longer with a toast. Make sure your toast includes at least one jab at our current political climate and at least two comments about how you expect the food to stink.

Show up late to dinner.

It will show everyone in your family that you really value their time and definitely wanted to visit.

Feed the dog under the table.

It will let your aunt know that you really enjoy her cooking.

Show off your new magic skills.

Show your family your new magic trick of pulling the tablecloth out from under all the dishes.

Bring your pet chinchilla to the dinner table to meet your family.

Ask if you can go out to eat instead.

Now, with this handy Thanksgiving guide, you’ll be sure to keep the peace this holiday season and survive this time of trial with no problem.

Comment down below more ways to ‘survive’ Thanksgiving dinner.


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